What is it about casual sexual experiences that make me feel empty? As an ’empowered’ woman, I always felt that at least in theory, being sexual and experimenting would be liberating and make me feel like I was expanding and growing as a woman. Some part of me doesn’t want to admit that often partway through such experiences, I find myself counting down the seconds until he’s satisfied so I can get what I really crave – a cuddle, a soft touch that is all about giving me pleasure and making me feel appreciated as opposed to used.
As a woman who is fiercely independent, I wanted to believe that after a pleasurable sexual experience, I would be on equal footing with my partner at the end of it. What I have found is that the reality is far more nuanced. I feel my status drop. If he doesn’t want to roll over to my side of the bed and hold me, I’m not going to force him, and yet I feel like a disposed thing. This is just casual, right? So why should I expect anything? Is my social programming of slut-shaming making me insecure? When I wake up in the morning and he calls me ‘baby’ in passing, I feel cheap. For some reason, I keep thinking about geishas and Venetian courtesans who were respected for their intellect as well as their sexual prowess – they were not thought of simply as a body to use, but as a woman whose company was sought after as well as her sexuality.
I wish to feel after casual sex the way I do after social blues dancing, whereby you engage in an intimate dance with someone, sometimes with intense sexual energy. At the end of the dance, you thank one another for a lovely experience and walk away feeling fuller. You are acknowledged as a person; you are considered an equal whether you are a ‘follow’ or a ‘lead’ dancer. After casual sex, I feel emptier. Is this a result of my role in sex as the ‘receiving’ end? Am I too sensitive? Should I connect with someone intellectually more before having sex? I’m all for expressing my kinks and enjoying pleasurable and exciting experiences, but I can’t shake this sinking sensation. I honestly do not know. Just needed to get this out and would love some thoughts on this! 🙂
